Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Foetry (food poetry?)

i am a featured reader tomorrow at a poetry reading. i decided to write a little about food. i came up with a few pieces i like, but by far this one captures a kind of tangible anger i have…

fucking hate
rachael ray.
i hate that i had to look your name up
just to see if i spelled it right.
i hate your
i hate that
so many
trust you
and rave
and that you’re some maven,
some icon,
some goddess,
because you can open a can of peas.
i hate
that you’ve slutted yourself out everywhere,
no mystery,
nothing intriguing.
your face,
your hoarse voice
stupidly hollering.
i hate that you’re
i hate your disrespect
for pure creation.
pre…vent me,
from assassination.
fuck you
and your
and your
and your tricks
and your tips
and your shortcuts.
come here.
i’ll tell you to your face.
i’ll fuck you up,
with a spatula.
with a reduction.
with a roux.
i’ll roast you
under the table.
i’ll leave you
onion tears
with wilted thyme
and unusable,
droopy celery.
i call you out,
bike racks.
three o’clock.
bring your

NK '09

video of a live reading of this poem here:

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Mexican Chocolate Ice Cream

so i made Mexican Chocolate ice cream and i tasted it last night. i have to say, for the first batch of chocolate i have made in a while, it tasted pretty darn good. first, the recipe:

1 1/2 cups heavy cream
1 1/2 cups half and half
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp vanilla (or 1 split and scraped vanilla bean)
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa
cinnamon - um…no idea how much. a tablespoon? i just do it to taste…

so, it is the same recipe as the vanilla base with a few things added because even chocolate ice cream has vanilla in it. (and if chocolate and vanilla can get along, America, why can’t we?) same deal as making the vanilla (you can scroll down and see the procedure for that under the “Vanilla/Red Wine Caramel Apple Pie Ice Cream” entry.) The difference is that as you are heating the cream/sugar/vanilla mixture, slowly add in the cocoa and wisk constantly. the cocoa is going to be a bitch and not combine. in fact, it is going to lay on top of the cream and be a total jerk. keep wisking. as the cream mixture heats it will incorporate. slowly add cinnamon and keep tasting. cinnamon can quickly overpower everything (it is the rachael ray of spices…loud and obnoxious if you use too much, but perfect if it’s in the background where you can kind of tell it’s around but don’t really have direct contact. like if you were at a party and rachael was like 4 rooms away. it’d be kinda cool if she was there, but you don’t really want to stand next to her…) so add and wisk and taste. add. wisk. taste.
both the cinnamon and the cocoa might not wisk in completely or when you are chilling might separate a bit. that is ok. when you spin it in your ice cream maker it will allllllllll come together (just like an A-Team plan).
so spin and store in freezer overnight at least.
upon tasting i realized a few things:
1. it’s pretty kick ass for a first revisit.
2. it could be kickiner assiner (translation: more kick ass) if i used fancy cocoa. i just used hershey’s but i can get some french stuff from the local co op that might make the stuff pop or make the chocolate a little deeper tasting.
3. it needed chunks of something. possibilities: brownie chunks, angel food cake chunks, marshmallow swirl,
barbie hair...

4. consistency seemed creamier than the vanilla. not sure why…
i would like to try a regular chocolate without the cinammon. and maybe throw in some raspberryness along the lines of raspberry liquor or frozen fruit. i want to stay focused though. i probably should have done plain chocolate before i mucked it up with the cinnamon, but it actually worked out well.
other things i would like to do with a plain chocolate:
-chocolate with peanut butter swirl
-chocolate with york peppermint patty chunks
-lay in a bathtub full of it
-marry it

Friday, January 9, 2009

Vanilla/Red Wine Caramel Apple Pie Ice Cream

kind of a long name. like, both ben AND jerry would nix that in a board meeting. they would name it “American Flag Eagle Pride Army Navy Mission Accomplished” or something. i realize that is equally long but it would definitely appeal to people down south more than my lame name. alright though, let’s get down to business here. this is how i made it. first i made the pie, recipe here:

finished pie here:

i know. kind of looks sexual with the caramel drip - not intended. the pie is AMAZING on its own so make 2 and double the caramel part each time. you want a lot of caramel in this mofo.

then the ice cream must be made. so far i have opted to deal with basic ice cream rather than custard. custard involves eggs in a heated cream mixture which scares the crap out of me, what with the whole tempering and all that. i will get into custard. yes. shut up i will, just not yet. i have to get the feel of this new maker and consistency and things like that. and thats a huge excuse but it will work for now.

so the ice cream recipe that seems to work for me is this:

1 1/2 cups heavy cream
1 1/2 cups half and half
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp vanilla (or 1 split and scraped vanilla bean)

throw it all in a pot and heat until just BEFORE boiling. don’t let it boil for geebus’ sake! alton brown said not to. something about the proteins breaking down. that sounds bad, right? something BREAKING DOWN? breaking down is never good pretty much so don’t let it boil. wait until there are these tiny little mini eruptions on the top of the cream then pull it off the heat. oh yeah, stir constantly. wear your ipod or something because this takes some time. i use a silicone spatula for almost everything and it is very good for this as well.
then let it cool enough to put in in a container and cool overnight in the fridge.
next day assemble your snazzy ice cream maker (the ice cream maker bowl should be totally frozen and ready for spinning. to check if it’s ready, shake it. if you hear liquid squishing around in there it is NOT ready. to be safe, freeze ice cream maker bowl for 2 days) and pour the ice cream base in. let it spin at least 40 minutes. ice cream will NEVER come out any thicker than soft serve consistency in one of these things so don’t bother to spin further. just throw the finished stuff in the freezer overnight for a hard freeze. anyway, in the last few minutes of spinning, add cut up chunks of apple pie (now LISTEN. i KNOW you will be “adding cut up chunks of apple pie” to your mouth too, just make sure a good amount makes it into the maker.) for about a pint of ice cream i would do the equivalent of 2 slices of pie but keep in mind i like chunky ice cream. if your ice cream maker can’t handle the churning, throw it into a cold bowl and fold in the chunks by hand. then take the whole shebang and put it in a decent container, cover it with plastic wrap (and by cover it i mean make sure the plastic wrap is touching the ice cream, caressing it in a loving way, whatever) to avoid freezer burn.

use ziploc tupperware things with blue screw tops. they seem to do well in the freezer and hold about 1 batch.

--for an EXTRA TREAT (which, you know, after making an ENTIRE PIE then putting it in BOWL OF ICE CREAM, you probably really still need an extra treat) put a layer of the pie chunks on the bottom of the container, then put the finished ice cream on top. this works well with smaller tupperware, like doing single servings (buying smaller tupperware might help control the amount you stuff in your gullet or make it easier to give to people) or double servings (1 movie, 1 cute boyfriend/girlfriend/Realdoll, 2 spoons*!). if you do that you have this insane frozen pie layer to dig around in- it’s like a present on the bottom of a present!--

so there it is. America Mission Accomplished Apple Pie Vanilla Flag Eagle ice cream.

(by the way - naming this ice cream reminds me of this Always Sunny clip: )

*Realdolls don’t really need their own spoon i don’t think…