Wednesday, February 18, 2009

chocolate makes you fat. but fuck it.

there’s something about valentine’s day chocolate. the heart box, the old favorites (caramel, toffee, anything dark chocolate), the ones that taste gross but you still take a bite and then try to pawn it off on the one you love.

this valentine’s day i bought some extra chocolate on sale. because i didn’t get ENOUGH chocolate. because the gigantic lindt bar, smaller 98% cocoa bar and box of truffles were not enough. so i waited until the 15th and bought THREE candy hearts full of goodness.

that's right.  i. bought. three.

what have i learned from this experience?

1. chocolate is fucking good.

2. there’s some weird ass shit in some whitman’s. like:
  • when was there a peanut butter chocolate one? and why does it taste so DIFFERENT than a reese’s peanut butter cup?
  • and what about the chocolate covered nuts? why are they there? (better yet, why aren’t they raisins
  • coffee cream center? when did this get added? it’s weird.
  • the plain chocolate bar one? THAT’S THE SUCKIEST ONE! if i wanted a chocolate bar i would have bought a chocolate bar. and it’s always right in the middle. like some sort of bullshit staple for the oldentimes or something. like if a 90 year old lady got a box of whitman’s and didn’t see the bar in the middle with the messenger guy (whitman?) she would toss the box and start fucking shit up. please.
  • why is raspberry so underused within the array? and where is the banana chocolate combo? or something with rice krispies in it?
  • two words. pretzel center. let’s go, whitty.
  • did God make caramel because he loves us or just wants to see us get stuff on our teeth for 20 minutes and sweat while trying to work it off with our tongues? and a related question with jolly ranchers there, too. and along that vein - why no jolly ranchers?
3. chocolate is fucking good. (did i say that one already?)

and just so you know. i only opened two boxes of chocolate. the other one i have in the freezer of a third party (charlie) and when the others are gone i will still have more. mwa ha ha ha ha.
see you all at the mall. because i will be there buying pants that are the next size up because i bought 3 candy hearts full of chocolate and ate them.

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